Over 40? Is it Menopause, Mental Health, Relationships, or Sexuality?
Updated: Nov 3, 2021
Ok, this is a secret question women ask themselves when they start feeling their age. What's gonna happen to me? Or is it already happening? Is this as good as it gets? Is it all downhill from here? Let's discuss and dive deeper on the topic of aging and sexuality.
Let 2022 be the year you can focus on yourself.
As you keep investigating and figuring out how to improve your wellbeing and lifestyle you can't help but wonder where do you start: do I address the menopause, or try to fix my relationships, or begin with my mental state or is it all about sexuality?
The answer, of course, is complexed, just like you are. And, you probably guessed, these topics are interconnected. But today we will go deeper with sexuality.
It's very likely you will have to attend to the whole 12 areas of your life. Sexuality is just another big topic of your life's purpose... We might even say, this is where it all begins. Libido is the energy that drives the rest of your human life. If you didn't pay attention and made effort to keep it up you will start seeing decline that is usually associated with aging. Mid-life is an interesting time calling you to take focus off the external word and direct your intentions on yourself and what makes you tick.
Majority of women coming into my programs had done extensive therapy and transformational work on themselves. Many have PhDs and various degrees and certifications in psychology, health or medicine. Seems like healing and transformation is a never-ending journey. And, maybe it is... at least for some of us, who have a calling to help others, not just live for ourselves.
Yes, I always tell myself... no matter how smart you are, you still have work to do.
With age this statement serves not just as the motivator to do better in life... but it can also infuse energy and purpose so needed when one had accomplished and achieved everything they thrived for.
Spiritual growth is never completed.
Soulful healing can always take place.
The world is only better for it.
So, now let's begin.
Scientific medical research shows that women coming to midlife start loosing their sex drive and interest in love and relationships. Most women, but not all women. Deeper research into how these other women feel and think about themselves and aging uncovered a very interesting correlation between sexual drive, mental health and biological aging. They had a better lighter attitude in life and towards themselves. That attitude was not a given, they had to work for it. Letting go, healing and therapy was a part of the process they used to keep themselves younger physically and psychologically.
So, besides taking care of your health and body on the basic level, eating, exercising, living a full life, let's discuss what would help any woman, no matter what age, be sexually attractive and fulfilled.
Sexual Drive - 3 Secrets of Feeling It and Acting on It!
SECRET N 1 - Knowing yourself! - Who are you, what do you like, how do you have pleasure. Being comfortable with your body, easy communication about your sexual desires, lightness around the subject.
Healing any heavy associations with sex and femininity is a must if you actually want to radiate this kind of lightness that men and women find very attractive when it comes to romance and love.
With age we have a tendency to feel down, disappointed, discouraged and wounded... of course, for all the very legitimate and real-life reasons... However, if you truly want to find your second breath and re-ignite your passion, find that lost spark that made you so magnetic in the past, you can not just remain the same.
Sex, love, relationship can become a heavy topic with age. We went through so much loss and betrayal, had lost trust not only in people, but most importantly in ourselves. We doubt our choices if in the past they led us to frustration. Word 'romance' brings out the unspoken pain and triggers hurt and anger... No wonder you feel exhausted to date, or 'start again' or start 'working' on your marriage.
Letting go of the 'baggage' doesn't feel all that pleasant.
But... healing process will help you know yourself better.
Healing and therapy is not about changing yourself, be a better person... it is about understanding how your psyche works, what soothes and what triggers you. Learning how to navigate your moods and emotions better. Building up confidence to try new ways and take a risk in opening up and going for it without big heavy expectations, that scare most partners away and leave you feel so drained and alone.
Later I will tell you about a great way to heal yourself and reignite your passion and energy for newly found romance within your marriage or with a new partner.
SECRET N 2 - Be present! Yes, really being here, with yourself, with your partner is what's gonna do the trick. Often you will have to embrace this new developed habit of really connecting not just in your romantic relationships but in every area of your life. Giving yourself, your body, your significant other your full attention psychologically speaking means love. Our Inner Child is craving love - for a child love equals attention. It's that simple!
But it is also such a hard thing to do, when all we know is multitasking, racing for things we want, high performance, high achieving, success, money, being the best.
So some re-learning must be done.
I recommend to start slowly.
A short 30 second meditation practice - sit wherever you sit and for full 30 seconds screen your surroundings, feel into your body, without distractions or trying to change anything. Just a slow check up. You can increase time as you play along.
Another exercise is to start savoring the moment.
First do your 30 second check up, then focus on one area of your body or your environment and really study it. Extend the time of your observation for 10-15 minutes.
When I did this exercise first I actually felt some strange level of anxiety. I wasn't in a habit of feeling still once I truly see something. I had to fight my impulse to immediately change and fix things I see. I had to force myself stay put, just acknowledge my anxiety, admit to my desire to 'do something', and continue 'watching' myself and the world do its own thing.
I distinctly remember thinking that other people can see my restlessness, that I must have look stupid sitting so still 'doing nothing'. I noticed how most people in my proximity were hiding behind their phones, sport equipment, anything to be seen purposeful, busy, consumed... yet, they had made themselves so hopelessly disconnected with what was actually going on right here and right now.
Doing the same 'being present' practice with your partner is really a next level of mastery. Not only you are feeling your unease with yourself, you are also seeing another person going through the same unease as well. Learning how to be 'intimate' with one another is going to be a journey. The journey worth everything - it might even save your marriage.
In my couples coaching program the whole healing can happen from just this exercise. Of course, there's more to 'intimacy' than that and all of it can be learned. At the end of this article remember to check out the link I will give you to continue your transformational journey with me.
Switching and turning up your senses is a third tool I want to give you today. Try it our during sex.. or during a date... Enhance the vision, taste and smell. Listen to the sounds. Feel the temperature. Feel the energy. Don't try to name it or label it. Just acknowledge and turn it up a notch. I recommend to play with one kind of sensation at the time. Then recreate that intensity of your senses before sex or a date. You can create a heightened extra-sensitivity as a woman, discover pleasures you never knew existed before. When you enjoy sex your partner automatically tunes into your pleasure. They can't help but start loving it as well as you do.
Research shows that it is not the youngest or the slimmest woman attracts a man in bed, but the most grateful one. To be genuinely grateful in bed you, of course, must actually enjoy it. So help yourself to create joy through emphasizing the physical sensations you already feel in your body.
SECRET N 3 - Open to Possibility! One of the biggest regrets we have reaching midlife is that we had not done what we really wanted and desired. That we had bought into another people's rules and ideas about what life supposed to look like. We wasted time building a life somebody else wanted us to live. We wish that we didn't care so much about what other people will think of us if we had failed or made a mistake. Ironically, now, when our confidence had reached it peak, and we arrived to the perfect maturity to make the right choices and also act as we wish, breaking stereotypes and patriarchal rules, we had lost the trust in our own magic... we stopped expecting miracles. We just toughened up so much that the playfulness and openness to possibility became a silly thing only youngsters may have.
But now is the best time to break free, unbox yourself, question aging paradigms.
When else, may I ask, you are going to do it!? It is truly now or never!
In my 20-s as I was in college studying to become a psychotherapist. Among many things I had also learned about mid-life crisis. At the same time my own parents were definitely living it. My dad was doing all the typical things you hear men do, dating and marring much younger women, going though anxiety and depression, loosing his old identity and finding a new meaning in life, changing the way he looks, the way he eats, the way he works.
I saw my mom psychologically suffer from all the emotional side of hormonal changes, even though her physical health was not affected, as she later told me.
I remember making a promise to myself then and there to learn as much as possible about the menopause and midlife crisis, so I could have a different, much better, experience of aging in my own life.
To do that I had to first stop believing everything I was already told about midlife, menopause and aging.
Great exercise here is to examine your limiting beliefs about aging and menopause.
Our culture teaches us, we are old, we are irrelevant, this is the end, it's all downhill from now on.
Good rule of thumb you can use: listen to your thoughts, but don't believe them!
Start questioning, doubting, checking these traditional statements. Find concrete evidence of the opposite being the truth.
Am I really irrelevant?
If I somewhat am, then to what extent?
Can I make myself more relevant?
Specifically today, this month, this year how am I going to be relevant to my people, family, community, the world?
How was I relevant before?
Specifically what do I need to change in my approach, attitude and actions to be especially relevant, and become practically irreplaceable, today?
In my personal life, in my marriage with my kids, in my work, in my business?
How am I actually totally relevant for these specific people?
Who are the specific people I am relevant to?
Who specifically, (make a list of names), are the people I am not relevant to anymore?
What specifically would make me more relevant to these specific people I know?
You get the drill!
Leave no stones unturned!
This is your life we are talking about. It begins with reality check. Otherwise what is left is to believe blindly in what society tells you and quietly becoming invisible and forgotten.
All of this, the new attitude, the new look, the new lifestyle takes work.
I didn't say it will be easy. You'll go through a phase of loosing yourself, loosing your identity, grieving your past and your youth. But... then will come acceptance, transformation, metamorphosis, coming out of your shell, blossoming into your new self.
I am so excited for you to discover Her, to celebrate Her and to admire Her!
If you want to do it together check out my FOCUS YEAR program designed specifically for women over 40 ready to take themselves seriously and seriously play and enjoy their life as much as they can!
I created this program first for myself. I was 42 years old and had reached my own personal crisis and felt a big need to focus on myself. I actually had no choice... my marriage was falling apart as I became a workaholic with starting my own business. My kids were going through their rebellious phase being teenagers. I couldn't remain my 'positive' ignorant self anymore. I had to look into what's really going on and what am I doing wrong. Now looking back I am so glad I didn't just listen to all the 'women empowerment' stuff that is out there encouraging woman to just quit the 'toxic relationships' or 'just go for it!'.
No, that would have been such a stupid thing to do.
Instead, I took responsibility for MY PART and started healing myself and learning the new better ways of being.
I took a year, almost 2 years actually, to attend to all 12 areas of my life and literally one by one transform it.
I dove deep into understanding of the subject matter. I used hard-core therapeutic tools to get myself out of 'content' I trained myself to have, buying into what other women around me believed.
I questioned whether THIS is as good as it gets! I had faith I can do better and I will do better. I was prepared to do the work, not just use the band aid, like positive affirmations or self love rituals.
What I discovered that there always was a specific reason why this area of my life was suffering.
I am a complexed human being, with my own childhood and adult life experience that include trauma, losses and mistakes. Life is also complicated. It doesn't just go as you wish. It can be absolutely random. Hard work doesn't guarantee bliss or rewards.
I had to change my perspective on life. I had to recreate my identity. Admit to things. Accept things about myself. And that is the process I call radical self acceptance that actually moved me forward and saves my marriage, my business and my mental state.
Then later on I ran this program with my clients and saw them transform their lives.
Spontaneously going through my process, my clients, men and women, would start taking better care of themselves, quit addictions, lose weight, restore love and intimacy, stop chronic pains, make wast amounts of money in their business, have new friends, start new careers.
Healing they had done was deep and serious. Learning the new ways of working, loving, parenting, making money opened them up to a completely new phase in their life - a midlife crisis turned into joy and happiness.
I am so proud of them for having faith in a better future, despite their own beliefs about what is possible for them and what they had witnessed all around them.
It is hard to believe you can create your own breakthrough... but yes, you absolutely can.... and I think, you must do it.
We need more happy realized women in our world.
Be the love!
Be the change!
Be the joy!
This life is all you have.
Your spiritual purpose is to live your life as well as you can and reach your potential here on earth as a spirit and as a soul. I am so curious to meet you and discover what God has in store for you!
If you want to discuss with me what's on the program you can apply for an admissions interview here.
If you are ready to enroll today click here and let's begin.
You can click out my business programs here.
Author: Lira Kay
Lira Kay is an international bestselling author, founder of School Of Inspired Life, a professional training center for expert coaches and healers to become world-class and in high demand.
Lira started her life coaching business 7 years ago and successfully led many transformational programs, such as 90 Days to Love, Be Phenomenal: Mindset To Empower, $10K From Monday To Friday and a $100K in 100 Days Challenge.
Her most popular one year programs Advanced Coaches and Healers Certification and Founders Lounge help successful coaches and thought leaders launch their own schools and academies and creates a solid foundation for a 7-figure transformational business.
After traveling the world Lira lives in Hawaii with her husband and their 5 daughters. You can learn more about Lira’s work at www.schoolofinspiredlife.com