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  • Writer's pictureLira Kay

Why Do You Chose A Woman Or A Man Coach... And How To Get It Right

Updated: Feb 18

How to best decide to chose a man or a woman mentor.

All is good but with fundamental differences.

Trigger alert - this is not about generalizing on men and women stereotypes. Or being politically correct and trying to spear your feelings, keeping it all positive…

It is, simply, my own personal opinion about what I had observed and myself experienced in coaching industry and working with people as a healer, psychotherapist and a mentor for the past 30 years.

What kind of coach you would prefer or hire isn’t about the coach… it is about you.


When I just started business coaching, a good few years back, I’ve observed this one very interesting tendency - most of the 14 clients I signed up to work with that first year at $10K price point had already worked with a male coach or had been on the big business/marketing program ran by a very masculine woman.

I mean, the celebrity guru coach would wear heals and fake lashes, talk about law of attraction and purpose - but once you are in - you’d be shamed for not doing what it takes to make sales. It would be definitely you own fault for doing it all wrong.

Nothing had really changed even now. Most of my clients told me on their Admission Interviews how they had entered some fancy learning platform with lots of blows and whistles - secret sales scripts and sell-from-stages templates, webinar slides, lead magnets and scaling techniques - did a lot of money mindset work.

Kinda goddess/boss mama/sovereign queen/money diva hype sprinkled on the top of selling /webinars/funnels and the automated email responders via their affiliate links. Then referring you to an ad agency as they own back end offer.

So really whether you got to succeed or not they would always get paid :)

And haven’t I also bought into that and HOPED it would work! Thinking that if I learned all of that I could at least sell it to my next unaware customer - I call it being in a pyramid scheme.

Coaches helping coaches get clients :)))

Sure, that’s why I have my own very charged opinion about it… sure, you can feel that :))

I get the drill.

I didn’t go that route only because I promised myself to create an easy, nourishing business and therefor refuse to sell anything in therapy, business or relationships that haven’t factually worked for me.

Yes, it limits what I would ever talk about, but I do sleep very well at night, and even take beautiful afternoon naps. :)

But that’s not the point of what I am really talking about today.

Today is about picking yourself a right coach knowing firmly where you at in your own business and in life.

When a masculine approach to business and hiring a male coach is a must and when a successful woman coach would be a better choice.

Before we dive deep into this, please, note, that I am talking about woman entrepreneur who seriously wants results from having a coach. Not somebody who is looking for a friend for rent/wanna-be-therapist/holding space/learning to manifest/join the sisterhood type of entertainment. Not that it’s bad to want to feel good and play.

But, if you, like, actually see yourself as an investor when you hire people to teach and coach you.

You understand what has legitimate value and what would leave you frustrated and at loss.

Ok, now that’s out of the way…


So here I will reveal to you a principle of our hidden attraction to a particular gender coach we would all subconsciously have.

Then I’ll go over 2 rules of picking yourself the right coach no matter what gender they are.

So, why do you fall in love, figuratively speaking of course, with a particular coach you see out there?

Well, just like choosing yourself a romantic partner, your soulmate, we are drawn to ‘close the gestalt’ - our own unfinished business - psychologically speaking.

This is a big secret behind why very smart and powerful women pick themselves a ‘bad boy’ despite their better judgment and common sense.

They actually can’t help it. The very first attraction, unless you had done reasonable amount of therapy or education about the subject, is driven by your upbringing.

Working with people for over 30 years I’ve heard unbelievable stories of ‘fatal attraction’ repeated again and again until a woman or a man become fully aware of their hidden agenda and then work hard on changing a behavioral pattern informed by their old childhood triggers.

That’s why I spend some quality time with my clients on examining and understanding their trigger points and showing them how to literally create new responses and put them on autopilot. Doesn’t typically happen over night.

So if you have daddy issues you would pay a male coach/therapist/mentor and if you have mommy issues then you’ll pay a woman.


Just trace your own investments and see the outcomes you had received.

It’s very likely you had recreated the same emotional outcome you lived for decades since you were a child.

Living familiarity brings a LOT of comfort, even if it seems like a complete nonsense to somebody else.

They just don’t get your plight!

When I speak on stages and try to convey the idea of women empowerment to hundreds of people at the time, I love talking about getting off the path of the abused and the abandoned.

It is a gift that keeps giving.

You had suffered enough… it’s time to consciously redirect yourself and chose a better destination.

So no magic in why you feel so attracted to a ‘hard-willed dark queen money mindset coach, or going on ayahuasca trips with a soft-spoken new age priestess. Why you love Tony Robbins Purpose and high performance events or Grant Cordon and GaryVee get-rich trainings.

We all want we had missed, didn’t get enough off and longing to embrace.

Now here are 2 solid rules you can use to make a right choice when it comes to hiring yourself a perfect coach:

1 Do a ‘Reality Check’ and get naked-honest with yourself at where are you at.

Stop patronizing yourself and pay for the things you already know - something you had done since you were a little girl to make your parent feel better about themselves. I call it paying for your insecurities.

Stop identifying with your celebrity gurus and believing into get-rich quick schemes and ‘just do it!’ slogans they sell to you… know your limitations - believe me it will pay off at end!

You must exercise radical honesty to see your place in the market and be able to provide unique value with 100% confidence and integrity. Agreed?

In my deep-dive on Business Alpha Archetypes training I am explaining in detail how we go through phases in business and what problems and solutions we need according to reality of where you are at.

Nothing to be shameful about - just honest and sober. Helps you jump over those immediate heaps and hurdles in your business right now.

2 Second, ask yourself, am I lacking motivation and commitment? Or I actually don’t know how it’s done?

Don’t rush this!

If you are a woman and have daddy issues (I have a great workshop explaining that, not that you don’t know what I mean by daddy issues :)) then you would feel ambivalent about your grandiose dreams and your vision board.

You would likely prefer high energy motivational speakers mistaking them for a coach who cares. They make BIG promises, make a loud and strong call to action, remind you about your grand plan and higher purpose.

The program itself wouldn’t matter - you’d pay them to feel energized and believe in yourself.

A well balanced coach can also teach confidence, but you may also have a chance to learn skills you need.

If you lack energy but are threatened by face-on confrontation you’d be drawn to masculine woman coaches, disguising as boss-mamas and business queens - powerful and often power-hungry empresses of their own transformational empires.

Many women tell me they were feeling like they’ve been chewed up and spat out after being in those kind of masterminds. In this pile belong the infamous publishing houses, and speak from stages, podcast and PR agencies.

It’s known to spend next to 6 figures trying to make that stuff work and feel like it was your fault you haven’t achieved anything by taking professional photoshoots and interviews with celebrities who endorse people for money.

You are either smiling looking back or feel effing furious about this now if you had ever signed up for this in the past.

And if you are thinking about going that root - be aware. Publishing book or speaking skills are actually a must if you want to seriously compete in this market… but it’s not worth what they are asking. Shop around for a better deal to become an amazon bestseller or start your own podcast… it really isn’t that hard. :)

From my experience, it’s very likely, what you need is a good role model on HOW things are actually work in business. The back end. The truth. Solving the real issues with self esteem and lack of basic understanding of running a business.

But I am assuming because you are reading this article and managed to read to this point - you are a woman who is at certain stage in her business and life (whether you are aware of it or not) and had enough of investing for nothing… You don't lack motivation... You are probably running out of resources. That’s a bummer!

How many women had told me making they investment with me, I wish I found you before all of that waste.

What you really need is a behind the scenes 100% transparency and step by step know-how.

You’ve had enough paying for motivation.

Ayahuasca didn’t help.

You hate network marketing.

You are terrified of sales - given a bully-like examples of heart-centered coaches pushing a sale on you. I know, the trauma is real. And your enormous pile of sales scripts aren’t making any difference.

Most likely you crave some even a tiny average size success - I hear some women even say that they don’t care about making money any more… feeling disheartened and lost.

This is why I show my clients how to get results first… transformational work and ‘putting systems in place’ later.

Let’s face it, we can meet a truly remarkable outstandingly successful woman who is also beautifully feminine and happy in love… but it’s likely she won’t tell you the nitty gritty of getting there. She had forgotten. And all is left is a half a dozen of inspirational books and low-end memberships. To get a full access and a personal feedback on your sh…t is a mission impossible.

Fair enough, if she truly respects her feminine nature she would have super strong boundaries, great business model and a price point to support that.

So where does it leave you?

My husband loves this Russian saying I once taught him: stingy pays twice.

Estimate, whether being successful and simultaneously happy is important to you and worth your investment.

Then go and hire yourself the best role model you can afford for the one on one work.

I had personally done that and it truly was the BEST investment I ever made.

Just one hour with the powerhouse awesomeness cost me a fortune but had completely changed my life.

I am forever grateful… and wish I had done it sooner, before I ran out of funds and faith in goodness of our coaching industry.

In this case you get what you pay for.

Make sure the woman is secure and caring enough to tell you how it is.

Make sure she's not romanticizing success and sugar-coat where she (and you) go wrong. Anybody who is anybody would typically in one on one situation confess, it takes more than you think to achieve what they had done. But, trust me, you want to know the down and dirty details of that, asap.


So apply these two rules to hire yourself help you need.

Identify if you are lacking motivation or know-how.


- get a ticket to the loudest inspirational event of the year lead by a perfect macho with great politically correct message male celebrity coach you’ve heard of,

… or find yourself the best woman mentor successful in her own life and pay her to tell you how it is.

If you are looking for 6-figures - she’d make similar. If you had already made your multiple six, go for one-on-one with the 7-figure coach.

Be open to constructive feedback, stellar strategies and unlikely solutions you had no clue would work at your level.

Take notes on not only what they say, but how they say it, why they say it to you specifically.

Good coach would care to understand you and deliver you the truth so you can accept and utilize it.

Obviously, if you are interested to work with me personally, go on and book yourself a session with me… especially designed to do what we were just talking about:

  • honest constructive feedback on what you need to leap in your business and life

  • and clear roadmap to making it actually happen - all including your mindset, healing of past traumas with sales and confidence, communication with your ideal prospects, closing deals and scaling tips appropriate for your wallet and budget.

Click the link bellow to sign up.

Honestly, if you had read this article to the end and still nodding (and possibly even smiling), we would be a great match. I don't approve of blaming and about the industry... and prefer to dive deep and personal with my clients. I don't do fluff and I inspire results. When you clicked the link take time to read and watch testimonials from my clients... see if you can recognize yourself in who you see. Do your due diligence.


Lira Kay is an International Bestselling author, Speaker, and a Founder of the 111 Healers Conference and the School of Inspired Life - a training center helping outstanding experts become world-class and in high demand, launch their own academies, schools and certifications.

Lira has been assisting people to transform their lives over 30 years, through healing workshops, practical seminars, transformative classes, psychotherapy, art, international curatorial projects and mentorship. Her students had been successfully growing their businesses and elevating brands, becoming global influencers and transformational leaders.

Her 111 Healers Project is reaching thousands of people across the globe with the message of healing and transformation. 111 Healers Conference gives a platform for healers from all over the world reach a global audience and share their tools and methods with public.

Apply to speak at the 111 Healers Conference

Learn more about Founders Lounge, Lira’s most popular 12-month Mastermind

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